Friday, December 29, 2006

Get in the queue

Then did he raise on high the Holy Queue of Netflix, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst veg on the couch and eat popcorn, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the junk food and onion dip and jello and trail mix and pork rinds and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou signest up on the website. Then thou must click at least three titles. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be at least three. Four shalt thou not receive immediately, neither shalt thou choose only two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out, until two titles have been returned. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then clickest thou the submit button and begin to wait for the mailman, who, being worthy in my sight, shall deliver it." (many apologies to Monty Python)

If you could not discern from the passage above, we've fallen off the edge and into the Netflix abyss. Our lives, from which television has been absent for 2 years, 4 months and 28 days, have just drastically changed. Let the vegging out begin anew!

This is going to be interesting. When the tv fast first began, 2years4months28days ago, myself and The T wondered how anything had ever been accomplished previous to the banishment of the idiot box. We did not suddenly find ourselves awash in extra time to be spent bettering mankind. Rather, we were perplexed at the notion that anything had ever been accomplished at all. The tasks at hand swelled to fill the vacuum no longer occupied by commercials and SportsCenter and made for tv movies and the Star Wars Holiday Special.

When it came to adding titles to the queue, the decision paralysis which struck initially very quickly became click-o-rama! The poor trackpad had hot spots from The T's fingers moving so fast. With all the mouse clicking going on, the living room sounded like that old commercial for the game Trouble with the pop-o-matic.

We haven't even gotten our first title yet and I'm already making tv references. Stay tuned, Bat fans.

Since I mentioned junk food:

What happens to your body if you drink a Coke right now?

Other wacky uses for Coke

You don't like what I said? I'll just change the translation. From Wikipedia: " 'Bite the wax tadpole' is a rough translation for one of the names previously used by Coca-Cola to translate the name of their product into Chinese. The original Chinese is kǒukē-kǒulà (口蝌口蜡), which does approximate the sound of "Coca-Cola" quite closely, and which might more literally be translated as "mouth tadpole, mouth wax". When it was discovered that this name had an unappetizing sound, Coca-Cola changed their translation to kěkǒu-kělè (可口可乐), meaning roughly "tasty and fun", after which the beverage became increasingly popular in China."

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Breathe, just breathe

Do you hear that? It's quiet.
And my eardrums say aaaaaah.

This is not to say I wasn't happy to see the house fill up with folks who have not seen each other in 15 years. I was thrilled to be able to host such a reunion. The house (including bathrooms) got cleaned. The fridge got cleaned and then refilled. The guest room got built and furnished in time to be warm and comfortable and slept in.

But I cannot find the words that describe how nice it is to have the house returned to the day-to-day occupants. The Paw Posse wholeheartedly agrees. They are once again purring in unison and gourging themselves on bowls of vittles.

I'm going to go enjoy the lack of reverb of voices not my own and continue reading a very, very good book: Fun Home by Alison Bechdel (the power behind Dykes to Watch Out For). If you feel unfulfilled by this post and need more of something, perhaps one or some of these links will fill the void:

It's recycling and decorating! What a deal. A Mountain Dew holiday tree—with lights and everything.
One more thing to do with your thumb.

Evolution of plasticware you can write on. Move your wares over, Mr. Tupper, the gadgets that can count have arrived. Oh, if I'd only had these before I put the mystery meat stew in the fridge and thus begin it's slide over to the Dark Side.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Tis the Seasoning

In preparation for the familial infestation ... er ... visitation, I've been cleaning everything in sight. The cats have no idea what is going on and they are less than happy. They are in full defensive mode while both the Roomba and the vacuum have been running for the last two days. Well, if the grrllzz would stop shedding and hit the boxes a little more consistency and not drop crumbs in a six-foot radius around the dish when they eat and stop giving the food back in chewed form just because they're a little rumbly in the tummy maybe this cleaning thing wouldn't be quite so traumatic for all of us.

But I should stop dissing the furballs. I am only slightly more fastidious than they are. In fact, the only difference between them and myself is that I don't vomit in random places around the house. Yesterday I cleaned out the fridge in anticipation of and preparation for the influx of fresh food and new leftovers to fill the cavernous space. In order to fill the space, one must first find the space. This is scary. I've seen things come out of my fridge that would make tough guys cry. That old line about "set it free; if it returns to you it is yours" doesn't apply when UWOs (unidentified walking objects) drop off the second shelf and stroll away under their own power. It is best to just let 'em go.

I now know what evolution holds for carrots and other root vegetables. It isn't pretty. Nor does it involve these items remaining firm. The future is similarly depressing for green peppers and cucumbers. These thrown-away-more-than-eaten items are the sublimators of the vegetable world. Just like dry ice bypasses a liquid stage on its way from frozen to gas, as peppers and cukes break down, they turn directly from a solid into a liquid, bypassing the mushy stage. And the transformation is pretty much instantaneous. I buy the veggies. I put the veggies in the fridge. I go to bed. I wake up to a green puddle in the crisper drawer. I swear to zeus that the guy who lives in the fridge and turns the light on and off goes at the veggies with a sledge hammer when I close the door.

So the chiller is clean and waiting for the food cycle to begin anew. Yesterday we played What's That Smell? as I cleaned out plastic containers and dumped the contents. Today as I was stacking the plastic containers, the skunk-like smell hit me full in the face again. Whatever was in the container had embedded itself in the molecular structure of the plastic and wasn't coming out. As much as I hate contributing more plastic to the local landfill, there was no way I could keep that container. Later today we'll be playing Guess What Meat Dish Devolves Into Skunk? and removing that recipe from the kitchen rolodex.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

What's the question?

The answer is: Holey rubber!

Your choices for the correct question are:
a) what did Mary say to Joseph when the pee strip turned blue?
b) what did Robin say to the Batman in episode #42, The Eraser Meets the Sharp Pointy Thing?
c) what I exclaimed to The T when we were cruising along at 55 miles-per-hour and a front tire on the Subaru blew out?

If you chose (c), you'd be correct. Man, nothing like a flat tire to help you focus on what's important. It didn't matter that we were on our way to Slum Depot to drop another good chunk of change to outfit our new guest room. Nor did it matter that we had found two really cool bedside tables in an "antique" store, aka: ongoing junk swap, and they were now getting a bit damp in the evening mist as they sat on the side of the road while we dug out the spare.

No, what truly mattered in this whole experience was that the very first time we needed the lug wrench to change the flat tire we found it wasn't there! We've owned this car for 10 years now and did we ever think to check for the lug wrench? No. Why would we look for it when we didn't need it?

So we called our hero Joe the Electron (not his real name) and his trusty sidekick, Rainbow Hemp (could be her real name), and they came right out to the east of the middle of nowhere to aid us in our time of need of wrench-lessness. And in the true spirit of brotherhood and plain old getting-along-edness, the lug wrench from the German Audi would have nothing to do with the lug nuts on the Japanese Subaru. Have we learned nothing from the messages of the season? Can't we all just get it on together?

So Electron and The T cruised back to Electron's abode to find his collection of wrenches while Hemp and I communed with the cows. We were the highlight of the cows' day, I swear. The just stood there and stared and chewed and stared and chewed ... and you get the idea. Thirty minutes later, we bid the cows adieu and we were rolling along on our donut-wheel. We got to the 'Pot, bought our goods and returned home safely. The room is now tricked out quite nattily and the invasion of relatives not my own begins soon.

All's well that end's well.