New Workout Regimen

'Tis spring! Time of renewal and rebirth. Out with the old and in with the new. This sentiment exists more so now after we mess with the clocks than it does during the dark of winter when we flip the calendar to 01-01-YYYY. The sun has returned and I don't want ol' Sol to see me like I was; I'd prefer that a new improved me greet each day.

So it is with great verve that I dedicate myself to my new workout regimen. It is neither time consuming nor sweat inducing, yet it has me wide awake before the break of dawn and occasionally makes me dizzy. There are only two things I need to do in order to bring out the me that is within and maintain her ever-loving happiness: dry out and self-inflate. Perhaps some details would be in order, eh?

I'm off to Cancun in three days for a week of sun, more sun, and hanging with ye olde nuclear family and all my sib's sig-O's. Three generations of the clan, all on the Yucatan peninsula. For my part, I promise to abstain from instigating any international incidents but if any Mexican national inquires, I will offer that they can have Texas back. But back to my new workout. Getting to Cancun involves flying. This involves a pressurized cabin, the better to enjoy the complimentary peanuts. The presence of pressure, in turn, has been known to transform me into a whiny, sniveling, weepy snot of a human. The joy begins the moment the jet door is closed and I am encapsulated with my fellow travelers like so many peas in a pod (or perhaps the tiny bits in a Con-Tac capsule is a better analogy; peas have way more leg room than I've ever had). My ears refuse to pop. I've tried yawning, chewing gum, blowing air out through my own ears, and special ear plugs. I've worked my way up to numbness through alcohol if only to keep myself from sticking an ice pick into my ear canal. Often my ears stay in this state of disequilibrium for longer than the flight lasts. It is painful and because I am also deaf during this period, I am oblivious to the aural clues that I may BE SPEAKING TOO LOUDLY. Me flying is truly joyous for myself and those around me.

I visited an ear-nose-throat specialist in my latest effort to alleviate the flying-induced pain. After waiting for almost an hour for the medicine man to appear even though I had a 7:45 a.m. appointment, he suggested I try chewing gum, yawning, and self-inflating. It was this last that got my attention. Self-inflating? I had the restaurant scene from Monty Python's Meaning of Life where the fat guy is offered a "thin mint sir, very thin" flash through my mind. He ingests the thin mint and explodes. You want me to do what, Doc?

Blow air through my own eardrums by pinching my nose shut and ... and ... well, I don't know how to tell you to do this but I think you know what I mean (he didn't say that to me; that's what I'm saying to you). This technique is known in the med-biz as "self-inflating." I am to force air up through my eustachian tubes to push my eardrums out against the pressure which has pushed them in. Well, Doc, did you miss the part on that little form there that I filled out almost an hour ago that says I've tried that? He says I need to do this constantly during take-off and landing while the pressure is changing. OK, that's news. I didn't realize I should do it constantly. I've been practicing and this is the part of my workout regimen that makes me dizzy.

In order for this technique to work—and here's the rub—the eustachian tubes must be clear. And now we've arrived at the other piece of the workout: I have to dry out my sinuses to clear out my tubes. I've always had moist sinuses. Turns out I'm probably allergic to dust and other by-products of merely being alive. Over the years I've tried all kinds of meds to dry out my sinuses and stop the post-nasal drip. It's not the nasal drip, it's the post-nasal drip that bugs me—much like it's not the math but the aftermath that gets under my skin. The only drug that has ever made a difference is Claritin-D and it is the D that had me wide awake and starting this blog at 4:45 am. People complain that Claritin-D keeps them up. That's not me. I can fall sleep during anything. However, after about six hours of happy slumber when my sleep cycle circles around to a shallow point, the D in the Claritin teams up with the urine in my bladder and I am wide awake. To give you an idea of how early this happens, today I was awake before the NPR fund-raising campaign began. Roosters envy me. Anyway, I gave up Claritin-D in order to see if I could still wake up early on my own (no) and now I'm taking it again to see if I can fly without pain.

BTW, I just tried self-inflating and only had success with my right ear. So far the only benefit of this new workout plan is that I've blogged before the sun has risen. The Doc was hesitant to put in tubes to solve the pressure problem because he scuba-dives and he thinks that is why I'm going to Cancun. I sensed a little transference on his part but he won't have the same out when I tell him I'm going to Italy. If the self-inflating does not work next week, I'm going for the tubes before I head off to Europe next fall. Gaia forbid I am seen in Heathrow yelling WHERE IS THE LUGGAGE RETURN?!? not because I am an obnoxious American but because I am simply deaf.

Started on my iPhone, posted after dawn from behind the coffee mug.