Church of the Calorie

From the Department of Can't Make This Stuff Up

An organization on campus whose mission is to empower young women was the beneficiary of a fundraising event sponsored by the local chapter of the League of Women Voters. Since I myself am empowered by my iPhone and always having the internet in my pocket, I fired off a google search for info on the fundraiser. All I knew was that it involved chili and a small donation. I needed time and location.

Third on the list of google hits was the local Hamlet Picayune and the seemingly limitless community calendar. My finger cramped from all the scrolling I had to do in search of my singular event. I'm not sure how items were sorted but there was a separate category for Calendar and Meetings, with subsets of music, art tours, receptions, and openings, theater, dance, events, readings & lectures, classes, talks & demonstrations ... and then upcoming deadlines for more happenings if you haven't dropped over dead already. It is a massive listing and I really have to hand it to the paper for posting every little thing that comes their way. If you're bored around here it is your own damn fault.

Anyway, I found my event. It is happening in the same church hall as the following two events, listed in this order in the calendar (only the saint has been changed to protect the innocent):

• Overeaters Anonymous. 10-11:30 a.m. St. Food's Church, 525 N. Fifth Ave. 555-8753.
• Greet & Eat. 11:45 a.m. St. Food's Church, 525 N. Fifth Ave. Free meals for needy and hungry. 555-4862.

Below this was an announcement for a gluten awareness group, which—due to contextual miscues—I read as "glutton awareness group." Thankfully, they are meeting at a separate location.

Can you imagine the scene in the parking lot of the Church of the Calorie between 11:30 and 11:45 a.m.? Furthermore, I think it is very considerate to have these disparate groups assigned their own phone extensions for more information. Heaven forbid a hungry person be mistaken for an obese person over the phone.

By the way, the chili was excellent.